tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37825035.post3410355163391873550..comments2008-11-12T01:47:19.197-05:00Comments on yes, it's another bloody blog.: Harassment.stef lenkhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07585860827110221574noreply@blogger.comBlogger2125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37825035.post-29806402388553657712006-12-25T11:25:00.000-05:002006-12-25T11:25:00.000-05:00i think this is highly reasonable, good sire.
Ho...i think this is highly reasonable, good sire. <br /><br /><i>However.</i><br /><br />i <i>don't</i> want to have coffee with this man. i don't want to meet this man outside my workplace, i don't want to share <i>any</i> of my life/time with him, and quite frankly, though I am <i>exceedingly</i> grateful for the help, my book projects are MY book projects, they are <i>not</i> a joint venture with this person. i have not asked for an assistant, i have asked to be shown how to use certain tools at my workplace. I have insisted every time that I would like to be shown what to do and then left to do it, and i'm quite sure at this point i would not break anything if left to my own devices. But I want to respect the fact that I am not an expert, and they are not my tools to use freely. And I want to learn, it's true. And so a twenty minute project turns into a two hour endeavour, every time.<br /><br />It is true. i haven't point blank said "I think you like me and you should pack it in".<br /><br />I have said to him "YOU ARE PAYING TOO MUCH ATTENTION TO ME AND MY PERSONAL LIFE AND YOU SHOULD STOP". <br /><br />In person, in those words, in that tone of typing.<br /><br />I don't think there is a radical difference between these two sentences. In fact, i would consider this to be "direct". Maybe not as direct as a sledgehammer to the calves, but this is the direct I can muster. It is true I have trouble making people feel vulnerable or small, especially in situations like this, because I have been on the other end a great deal in the past. It took a long time to get to a point where I could even say the above. But I did say it and I believe my statement to be clear. It wasn't uttered beneath my breath, through email, or through a withering glance (although I have spent much time glancing witheringly as well, to be sure) <br /><br />I have repeated my concern once or twice now (in person.) His response is to chuckle uncomfortably and change the subject, or justify his attentions as public domain (in the instance of my friend cited in a book he was reading)<br /><br />To which I have no argument.<br /><br />Here i am, posting my problems publicly, non? <br /><br />Have I even got the right to demand privacy? Do I <i>ever</i> have the right to demand privacy, given my tendency to blather on about personal problems to anyone who will listen?<br /><br />In fact, what gives me the right to complain about anyone else's behaviour towards me at all? This person is obviously behaving honestly about some idea he has attached himself to, and he has needs the same way I do, and who am I to grudge him this? Or even contest it? It's his idea, he's not physically doing anything to me, harming me, etc. <br />I too have attached myself to ideas, disregarded warnings, nurtured unreciprocated feelings. (This is how I am gauging it, incidentally. And if someone ever said to me "you are paying too much attention to me and my personal life and should stop." I would take that as a sign that something is very Wrong with my behaviour and should change.<br /><br />Anyhow. There is an easy solution, isn't there? I could stay at home, by myself, out of "harm" (or discomfort)'s way. Why deal with other people if one is just going to complain about how they affect one's psyche?<br /><br />I don't want to invalidate what you have pointed out, good doctor. It is true; If I'm not willing to take my personal time to have coffee with this man (which is something I barely make time to do with close beloved friends) and break down, <i>in excruciating detail</i>, why he is making me uncomfortable, how fair am I really being?<br /><br />It isn't enough to say "STOP" these days, is it? One needs to have a categorical list of <i>why</i> one should stop,<i>what</i> one should stop doing, <i>when</i> one should stop doing it, and <i>how</i> one should behave instead. <br /><br />How on earth could the word "STOP" possibly be sufficient in this complex day and age?<br /><br />I think i'll stop there.stef lenkhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07585860827110221574noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37825035.post-85115602445661910032006-12-24T17:54:00.000-05:002006-12-24T17:54:00.000-05:00hmmm...what about talking to him directly about it...hmmm...what about talking to him directly about it. Like... over coffee? Does that sound strange? Think about it. It might not be so strange. <br /> You could arrange a brief meeting (even if it's just outside of your workplace at lunch) where you, in no uncertain terms, tell him what is going on for you. <br /> Tell him you need to clarify why he is paying so much attention to you and then clarify for him, that while you are not opposed (i'm assuming) to being his friend at work, you are not interested in him outside of that and that his attention and covert affections (orange juice when you are sick) make you uncomfortable. Maybe if you got it all out in the open with him he thing may improve. Some people need the direct line... not hints or allusions... but the direct (though not unkindly said) line. "I feel that you are interested in me. But this makes me uncomfortable. I am not interested in you. I like you, we can be friends at work but I don't want more than that and I find all your attention a little nerve racking to me at this point in time." Does that seem an unreasobable approach?<br /> If I were he, and some one, kindly, took me aside and said such things to me, I would be glad of it. Perhaps at first a little embarrased and my pride might be hurt, but in about 32 seconds I think I would 'get it' and would be glad they confronted me rather than let it continue to stew. <br /> But that is me. All I'm saying is. Have you had the oportunity to be frank about how his well meant intentions make you feel? You have a right to tell him.James Binniehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15974725269954419238noreply@blogger.com